Rules Rules...nothing but Rules

Last time...on the "Ruled and the ruleless" Jane defied the rules by asking John for a dance and later end up sliced in half accidentilly by a circular saw. In today's thrilling installment we'll cover rules 3-6 and see that not blinking at a man could drive him away, paying even half for a date is aborhous and hanging up on a man makes him want you more. Be sure to join us......

Whoa..ok ok ok I think this book is getting to my head. Now I'm starting to talk in Soap Opera voice-over. I better do these before I get any worse.....

Rule #3: Don't stare at men or talk to much

What?!?! Staring at men will drive them away? Surely you're wrong! I thought looking wide-eyed and emptied just made them want you more! But I wanna have a staring contest with the future man that's gonna propose to me after our first date. And by the way is it breaking the rules if you are playing the staring game.... cause technically the whole point. The internal struggle!

Although how can you lose with this little word of advice:

"On the first date, (Ok...remember first date. Not after dating for years oh no...the very first date) avoid staring romantically into his eyes (As opposed to staring romantically to any other part of his face...I like the earlobe, so can I stare romantically at the earlobe?). Otherwise, he will know that you're planning the honeymoon."

Remeber what I said? This is the very first date. Why are you planning the honeymoon on the first date?!? Granted I knew I loved my fiance after our first date but (and no offense honey) it took more than one date before I realized that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. How solid is a marriage based on one date?

This is the best though...they even tell you what to do so that you don't stare at him... "Instead, look down at the table or at your food, or simply survey the crowd at the restaurant. It's best to seem generally interesting in life, in orthers, in your surrounding, in the paintings on the walls, as opposed to this live prey."

There are SO many problems with this sentance. Ok...so I'm supposed to completely ignore my date? I'm supposed to look at everything around my date except my date. If I were any guy and my date did that i would think that there was something wrong with me. Or that I was boring. Or that my date was checking out someone else. But then again when you're always looking around for live "Prey", you probably are checking out someone else. Who calls a man prey unless it's being used with "child molesting". That's so condiscending and derogatory. But then again he is technically prey in this mindset cause you are only after one thing...a wedding ring. It's still wrong though.

Oh and don't talk on a date. "Remember, men fall in love with your essence, not with anything in particular you say." BAM! sorry couldn't help it. But he is falling in love with your essence. BAM! dammit there I go again. Sorry. Because what you say isn't important. Because we are dumb. Because men should do all the talking. Wow.....that's a fun date....I can picture it now....

::Wayne's world flashback noises and hand motions::

John: So Jane, what do you do for a living?

Jane: ::looking down at her food:: (Janes thoughts: "and then we'll have two kids and a 4 bedroom 2 story house and I will show off my 10 carat engament ring because I was able to snag a husband and all the other girls are spinsters)

John: Uh, do you like to read?

Jane: ::Checking out the other patrons at the restaurant:: (Jane's thoughts: "and my dress is gonna be white with diamonds on them cause it's my day and no one and I mean no one is going to ruin it becuase I'm a princess and we're gonna get married in a big church and daddy will pay for it because I'm his little girl and I deserve it)

Actually...I'm getting pains from writing this so I'm gonna stop and move on to Rule #4, but you get the point.

Rule #4 : Don't meet him halfway or go dutch on a date.

A) It's not nice to castrate the Dutch like that from a menu. I mean what if she's Dutch or he's dutch and they like Dutch. Then can't they just go Dutch? And can I use the word "Dutch" in the sentance one more time?

B) Meet him halfway? Isn't it easier to just sit across from each other at the table. There'd be no yelling across the restaurant in that case.

But seriously, there are parts of this rule that make sense. Not what's explicitly written but if after the dinner the man looks at you and goes "can you spot the check" that's not really fair either. And a red flag that this is not going to good. If something happens accidentally that's different. Plus anyway. Why should the guy spend all of his hard-earned money on you? Isn't the date for the both of you? Are you the only one who's eating?

Do you know why this is? It's because "The Rule is that men are supposed to rearrange their schedules around you, pursue you, take cabs and trains to see you." Because you're much more important than him. Honestly...who the hell do you think you are?? You selfish, self-absorbed bitch.

Although the rules does tell you what to do if you're not completely self-absobed and think of him once in a while: "But if part of you feels uncomfortable about him paying for everything, offer to leave the tip, ( It doesn't say pay the tip, mind you, just offer) or if the night is a long one - say, dinner, a show and three cab rides or parking - pay for something small along the way. But don't pay for anything on the first three dates. Later on you can recipricate in your own way: cook him dinner at your place or buy him a baseball cap." Yeah cause a 20 dollar baseball cap is really gonna make up for the freaking 1200$ bucks he spent on you on the three dates to schlop your lazy ass around.

I was gonna do some more rules but I think I'll continue tommorow. lol I don't know if I can sit here for another three hours. lol So stay tuned for the continuing installments of....The ruled...and the ruleless!