Dear Barnes and Noble customers...

Dear valued Barnes and Noble customer,

I would like to bring to your attention some new rule changes that will be occuring in our store in the next couple of days.....Please be sure to follow them accordingly.

Rule #1: When asked for a Barnes and Noble membership card please do not reply "yes" and then stare blankly for 10 minutes. We are not mindreaders, unless you tell us we are not sure if you actually have the card on you or just need to give us your phone number. If you refuse to do this we will be forced to have a staring contest.

Rule #2: We need to push a few buttons before we can happily search for the Barnes and Noble card by your phone number. Please do not drop your merchandise and blurt out your phone number. If this is done we cannot be responsible for the amount of times you are asked to repeat said number.

Rule #3: When one of our cashiers say "I can help the next person down here" please do not drop your books at the register of your choice and stare blankly. Our cashiers are not Jedi masters and do not have the force within them. We cannot mentally move your books nor can we switch registers just because you can't move your fat ass down one register.

Rule #4: Our music sellers will be able to assist you with any music questions that you may have in our music department but they unfortuantely cannot help you on the book floor and vice versa. No amount of stomping of your feet and whining may change that, it may just make your inevitable beating much worse. We cannot be responsible for the questions asked in cafe for we have a strict "don't ask don't tell" about their violent tendancies.

Rule #5: We cannot make merchadise magically appear simply because you decided to wait till the last hour to write your school paper. We would be happy to pull it out of your ass though, if you would be patient with us.

Rule #6: Please do not throw money down on our counter. Our cashiers have palms made especially for holding onto money and no cooties will be exchanged during your purchase. If in fact you do throw money on the counter you will no be able to complain as the change comes whizzing past your head in an Odd Job manner. It is only fair.

Rule #7: Merchadise actually needs to be rung up before your credit card can be swiped. Throwing books into our hands does not magically ring it up for we do not have scanners built into our palms. Also....the store is not magically dissapearing, an itchy trigger finger will get you out of the store no faster than usual. In fact be prepared to wait longer as our cashiers are trainer to take twice as long the more impatient you get.

Rule #8: When paying please do not reach over and grab the recipt off of our registers. our registers have spring-loaded bear traps that are designed to chop your hands off. Please leave it to the professionals.

Rule #9: Teenagers, your mothers may be your maids but we are not. Please do not enter our store 5 minutes before closing and proceed to take every cd and/or book out of it's bay and leave them around. We are now allowed to cut off both hands and shove them into your mouth for the first offense. We plan on not seeing second offenders.

Rule #10: Mother, this store is not your own personal babysitter. Please do not leave your child to wander unattented just so you may get your double mocha coffe with skim (I said skim not whole you stupid people) milk in a venti cup while you talk on your cell phone. We don't care if your child get abducted, you deserve it.

Rule #11: Our store closes at 11 pm. Monday-Saturday. This does not mean 11:10, 11:20 and not even 11:01. Please come into the store at a resonable time and have curtesy for our workers. From now on at proptly 11:01 we turn a blind eye on the consequestes on your thinking you are the mosty important person in the world and we are your servants. We do not take the blame on what is done to your person after our doors officially close.

There are a few new rules for our Cafe as well....

Rule #1: This is not your living room. Please do not act surprised when you are robbed becuase you've left your purse open an unattended for the past 5 hours. We don't give a shit

Rule #2: At no time will you EVER throw anything at the cafe workers. you are the not the center of the universe and our workers are allowed to retaliate and throw things back. Be warned they will be sharp....very sharp

Rule #3: Please refrain from being on your cell phone while in line in our cafe. If you are you will be forced to go back to the end of the line and ignored for the length of your phone call.

Rule #4: Please do not complain that we cannot make what you want. We use machines to make your beverages and sometimes they may break. Once again we are not Jedi's in the cafe and therefore cannot magically prepare your coffee.

Rule#5: Our coffee is freshly brewed on a regular basis. It is hot. If your taste buds are damaged it is not the staff's fault for you being a dickhead. Learn to make your own damn coffee and be on your way.

and finally....

Rule #6: Unless you are lactose intolerant.....SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE MILK. Do not nitpick about a double frap skim, no whole, no part, no nevermind skim. If you do we will be allowed to replace your milk with arsenic. You'll never know the difference.

We hope that you will abide by these new rules and take these changes to heart....We most certainly will...

Thank you,
Barnes and Noble