Valeria's Inferno

I really had a flash of genius tonight. LOL Don't ask me why but for some reason I was inspired to write a blog about the customers we have in B&N and place them all into levels of hell according to Dante. Except...I would write my own version of Dante's inferno.....in a limerick...that's right....Dante's beautiful writing has been turned into a limerick. Although....what's more "vulgar" than Limericks? I tried to rhyme everything pretty well...some words I made up....Um...we'll call it poetic liscense....sure...whatever works. lol So here goes.......

Valeria's Inferno -or- La Commedia Dell'Barnes and Noble


In the middle of my lead position,
I felt like I had a mission.
A story should I craft
To give my co-workers a laugh
And so Ive made this submission

The story of hell should I write
But with a twist on it thats just right.
Bout the customers we serve
And how theyre so absurd
If they read it, it would give them a fright

I have no need for a guide
For I know all the horrors inside.
A trip down to Dante's hell,
Is still better than Barnes and Nob-el.
So sit back and enjoy the ride

COME THROUGH ME TO THE SORROWFUL CITY
COME THROUGH ME AND FORGET ABOUT PITY
EVERY LAST DOPE
MUST ABANDON ALL HOPE
WHEN THEY PASS ON INTO ETERNITY

The first circle's Limbo they say.
Filled with people who stay here all day.
They never leave the store,
We find them such a bore,
We dont really care about them anyway.

People who forget their B&N cards are next.
We have to look them up by their phone numbers, that's best
They don't wanna be patient
And are certainly not complacent
So they give us their numbers so fast we're perplexed

The third circles filled with letters
All jumbled up under their own headers
Cause people can't spell
Thats why they're in hell
Cause they're not master Alpha-baters

The fourth circle has doors that are closed
While the people inside are decomposed
They never left on time
Thought they were real fine
Now they'll never be unopposed

We came to the River Latte
Where people were ordering their coffee
They were really annoying
And so we sat there throwing
Venti cups filled with liquid hot toffee


In the next circle we saw a huge line
Filled with nuns, soccer moms, and Devine
They used to be line cutters
Now each one of them utters:
"Where do I think Im going I have plenty of time."

The next circle came in three parts
With children spanning the charts
Each one of them's annoying
God my age must be showing
Cause I feel like kicking each of them in the arse

The first has teenagers with no taste in music
If I have to hear Panic! at the Disco anymore I'm gonna lose it.
They like bands who are shitty
And fuck its a pity
I can't think of anything else to write that is witty

The second are kids who hang out after movies
They think they've got bigger balls than Scooby's
They think they're so cool
My god they're such tools
To punch them would be a civic duty

And last but not least we have the worst
These are the kids who should be cursed
Those things are called wheelies
And sometimes I get the feelies
To trip them so their faces do burst


The eight circle had customers who were too much
Like ones who were demanding and such
Split into ten sets were they
Each bad in their own way
No wonder the workers drink so much

The first set were people who couldn't wait
They wanted their books right on that date
No matter what we could say
They wanted it to-day
And getting books slammed in their head is now their fate

The second were people who complained
That our prices were out of their price-range
They threatened not to pay
Like we really gave a shit anyway
They just seemed really terribly deranged

Thirdly were the people who behaved
Like we should be treated like their slaves
The shelves looked like they were hit with grenades
And now THEY were the maids
Even the men looked like cross-dressing knaves

In the next set were the people who complained about online prices
And how the prices in the store just didnt suffice 'em
They wanted the stuff today
But they didnt wanna pay
Thats when were allowed to say fuck, eh!

Next the people who the concept of Strict on Sales put them in sorrow
Like He-Man they wanted have the power
Now in hell they dont know
And they sit and sigh in woe
Cause the stuff is always coming out "tomorrow"

People in this set were kinda bossy
They acted as if they were hotsy - totsy
They thought they knew more than us
So much so that they make a fuss
And in reality they talked out of their arsey

Set seven had the people who we liked to call 'tolders'
Cause they always said they were gonna go to Borders
If we cant get it man
What the hell makes you think they can?
They're such hippies there they'd probably forget your orders.

Each book has a title and author, maybe a feller
But some people just cant be bothered to remember
Now these people are in hell
And they scream and yell
Cause they're on the hunt for the book with the cover that is yellow.

Masters of everything we cannot be
But thats what the people in set nine used to see
Now they understand
Their heads are so crammed
But their brains are smaller than a pea

Customers who told us we never have enough registers are in this level
They are close but not too close to the devil
Now they have a basket of stuff
And no one to help them enough
The fact that now they really cant get help is enough to make us revel


The last level of hell was the place to be
With no receipt returns as far as the eye can see
Now the tables are turned
And these customers are burned
Cause they have to wait in line for eternity......times three


With my journey through hell complete
You could see why this was such a laborious feat
Too much writing was required
I cant believe this poem I sired
Now I'm fucking going to get some sleep.